Anxiety and stress have become topics my family are more aware of since Chase came home. I’m hoping that this helps people to see what exactly is going on and understand that I have very similar issues as him, I just feel that I have no choice but to keep putting one foot in front of the other and that some things are not optional.To be honest, if I didn’t have a job that is totally on my shoulders, I wouldn’t even make it to church very often either. There my anxiety is at its peak and it always feels like I’m going to burst into tears, have an anxiety attack or just shut down at about anything.
I was talking to Chase and he made the comment that he never had dealt with depression, but he was in the aftermath of such high anxiety & stress. As he told me this, I felt that I could completely relate. I also never struggled with depression before, but after health problems, constant anxiety and stress and things not going anywhere in my life, here we are. The sad thing is that if the anxiety doesn’t succeed in holding me back, the depression usually does or vice versa. Anxiety makes me feel depressed because I feel guilty about not wanting to do anything except be alone, not trying new things, not being social, and all the things that I feel I am often unable to handle due to my anxiety. Typically after having a day of pushing myself through anxiety and forcing myself to keep moving, I am exhausted and have nothing left in order to push through anything else. This includes things that I usually enjoy doing or spending time with people I like spending time with. I haven’t played the piano in who knows how long, sewing is a task that I dread right now, cleaning my room is more than I can handle, but I feel that it is contributing to my stress in its current condition. It is also difficult to force myself to do anything outside of home as I would be doing it on my own. My friends are married, with children and they don’t even live close by.
Most days at the end of my “mandatory” day, you know, once you get off work and should be getting some things done, I just want to shut my door, wrap up in my heavy minky blanket, curl in a ball and cry in the silence and dark. I am just afraid that the darkness and silence that I crave will devour me and I will go to a place in my mind that I can’t get out of.
Every day I am in a constant battle between myself and my anxiety. Some days I feel that although I survive, I don’t necessarily win and others I am beaten. A lot of times I don’t know if I am still in there somewhere or if it is just worry, anxiety, stress and emptiness. I often feel weak, worn out and exhausted both physically and emotionally.
Sleep is my favorite activity. I don’t have to fight there, I think I am in there, you know the real me that I can’t even remember.
I hear my thoughts of things I have been taught and things I know need to happen for my good. These thoughts are: go socialize, go do something outside of the house, smile, exercise, do something productive and study and learn new things. Often, lmuch more often than not, my anxiety and/or depression suppresses them and finds ways to justify ignoring them.
I don’t feel strong, I don’t feel put together, I don’t feel as though I know where I am going or even that I can sit down and think about it. I try to put on a front, the last thing I want is to have people constantly asking me if I’m okay, if they can help me, to get over it, that I just need to push past it or just being looked at as if I am broken. Sometimes even when there is an event that is simple, ordinary and routine for me, it is more than I think I can handle. I WORK to get myself there and then not completely freak out. My hands shake, my breath is uneven, my mind just wants to completely shut off in order to protect itself and my emotions are so close to the surface that I am afraid that they may show.
Making plans? This is a tough one for me as I don’t like things spontaneously occurring, however I also feel guilty about canceling plans and that often happens when I just can’t take on any more than getting out of bed, putting on clean clothes and going to work. I don’t want anxiety to control my life, I want to. Me. Shanae. The real me that seems like a memory somewhere in there.
I try so hard everyday. I don’t want to become a recluse or an unhappy person who can’t find anything to even smile about. I also don’t want to be idle and not have a purpose. But sometimes putting this much effort into things is much more than I have energy to do and then a day in bed is called for from every part of my body and mind.
There are things in my life that used to be well within my comfort zone and they are now outside of it. I feel that I am losing in a battle to hold the line and not let anything else be taken away from me. I don’t need my circle to get smaller, I need it to get bigger. I’m always on edge. Just the thought of someone seeing me cry, even if I am alone in my bedroom, sends me to the brink of panic. I’m even jumpy, waiting for something else to be put on my plate.
I have setbacks, I work to get through them so that I can have a life, aside from living in my pajamas and sleeping 20 hours a day. When I have the opportunity, I do stay in my pajamas, put off showering and getting ready, sleep a lot and watch TV although I don’t usually pay much attention to that TV and sometimes don’t even know what is going on in the show. If I don’t have anything that I have to do, I often don’t feel like fighting that day. I save my strength for the things I know I have to do.
My victories are something that I have to really reward myself for. Something as small as finding your way to a place in an unknown town even when your well-studied google map’s instructions aren’t possible because of construction, is a HUGE win for me. If I don’t end up pulled over crying and panicking and I do end up just going with it and getting myself through it, it is almost like running a marathon for me.
I don’t want to feel vulnerable, I am always like a raw nerve and although I try to hide it, sometimes I just can’t and people around me see something that they don’t always see. It can freak them out thinking that I am having a mental breakdown. Maybe I am. Or maybe it is just my emotions from the strain of fighting that need to leak out before I pop like a balloon.
It is frustrating and difficult to have something that nobody can really help you with. Sure everyone can help make it worse, even if they are trying not to. But you can’t just bring me a bowl of soup to help me feel better. It just doesn’t work like that. This is an internal struggle, something that I get to deal with while in my earthly home. It makes me feel alienated, mostly because of the thoughts in my own head.
I don’t want my anxiety to define me, I don’t want it to become an excuse to be stagnant or give up on things, so I fight. I fight my hardest every single day.
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